Feb 26 2009
Diamonds are Forever
There comes a point in everyones life when you are no longer just a person. You become a woman once you realize your power and ability. You become a man when you come to terms with ration and reason. Reguardless of whether your a man or a woman, the trick of the trade is purely common decency and knowledge. The best advise I could ever give anyone is to go with your instinct. There’s an alterior motive for everything I do and have ever done. It’s obvious I think and I think a lot. I pick everything apart.. I want to know everything. I love a challenge.
You can learn a lot from someone soley by watching the way they have behaved in their previous relationships. Instances are different, but you’re still studying the same person in the palm of your hands. If you watched your bundle of love go through a rigorous cycle where he hyped up faux comittment, only to run for the hills after it got to be too much, too serious, too soon.. you wouldnt exactly be the first person to sign up when the opportunity presented itself.
But I did. For none other than pure curiosity. When someone has a way with words, it interests me. When someone is equally as persistant and eager, it interests me as well. But I know this particular boy, and I wasn’t very interested in him or what he had to say. His desperate attempts and cries that “I was the one” all mushed together and plagued my text message inbox to the point I eventually wore thin and decided i’d challenge it. Seeing as he routinely bit off more than he could chew, I wanted to see if he could actually amount to his words and prove to me that my judgment of him was wrong.
I realized he is a lot like me. It became a constant challenge and eventually an insane rat race to see who could finish faster. When you put two people who have the same competetive demeaner together in a relationship, the results are like putting two beta fish in a tank. Only one comes out alive. There is a restricted time line and you find you’re feeding eachother lines and acting feelings while you watch impatiently for eachothers next move. Then next thing you know you’re engaged to a guy you hardly know, and hardly know you’d mean forever if it came down to it and then the I do’s start sounding like I don’ts.
My new ideas of getting married changed daily. It pivoted from me saying what it was, to then actually feeling and realizing what it meant. I was terrified. Any details were quickly shun and the thought of planning something as simple as an array of colors turned my stomach in knots. As the timeline was growing and logistics settled in, I realized I wasn’t capable of forever when the present never existed. There was no stability, there was no future. And I never even trusted him to begin with.
So I studied him a bit more and tested him. I ultimately wanted to find out what made him tick. I learned that people with personalities like ours like to make our beds, but aren’t capable of lying in them. We don’t like to face whats real.. and we dont want to hear the truth. The only thing that helps us sleep at night is to completely delete whatever we are running from and just forget it ever happened. That way we dont have to feel hurt, remorse, or doubt.
I had fun until it became real, when it was no longer a game. I willingly let it get too far. Whatever rhyme or reason, it was apparent on both our parts. But I was the only person who was able to face it, assess it as preposterous as we had behaved from the start, all the while keeping feelings into consideration (for once). Unfortunately I wasn’t granted the same courtesy. It was obvious that old habits die hard. The pieces fell together instantaneously. So many hearts were broken on his behalf for no other reason than his ability to leave every single person he’s dated completely confused on who he really was. Yet, I always knew.
At this point it wasn’t even about having the upper hand, as that was no longer a priority. I realized that now i’d never get my first proposal back. That first feeling. The meaning and excitment was instantaneously tarnished. I was infuriated he so inconsiderately took that from me…… So, I decided to keep the ring in return for his lack of gratitude, of coarse. I earned it. I figure, people will come and go, relationships will spark and dissipate, and that love might not always be tangible.. But diamonds are indeed, forever.
